with age comes experience, and i'm not that immature anymore

Spent the best part of last week struggling against my doubts and fears. my mind was in turmoil while i gave some serious thought to what i was doing with my life. And partly it was because of her that made me feel so insecure and fill with excitement, anxiousness. In some ways it was like going to a battle - in that the feeling you get before you enter the battlefield, not that I've been to a battle before. Frankly I both love and hate her so much that it hurts. It was just a figure of speech though. There were times when I felt that I made the wrong decision. And I regretted it. But it was done though, what could I do?

As people generally know me, I'm a person who will keep thinking back to how I could make things better. So there's types of mistakes that really gets into my head which I then push to the back of my head with, only for them to come back with a vengence when I was reminded of it or when I was alone. Of course, there are also matters that makes me smile stupidly. A very satisfying chat with her would make happy for weeks. But as things go, the only thing people remember often or the longest would still be their mistakes.

They say that life is made up of 98% suffering and hardships and 2% happiness. But life must still go on, and that is also part of the reason why when you achieve happiness you always feel so so so sweet. Seeing a post on friends and friendship also made me think. How many friends could I actually rely on? Right now I can only think of a few but it doesn't matter. It hurts, and for my friends I can rely on, U may not be able to contact them or anything, but at least I know that I will be able to depend on them when the time comes, right?

Talking about this topic, I guess everyone knows that they will not be able to make lots of lasting friendships during their school period, but they try, and gets rewarded for trying. At least they won't be lonely at school. There are also these types of close friendships that will disappear once people graduate from school. Its a pity actually. Well, I guess I'll just go with the flow.

People learn from their mistakes, that's a given, in order not to make the same mistakes again. Once they mastered it, they mature a little bit in the process. This I call the "Human Process of Learning". Its interesting really. People avoid mistakes so as not to experience failures, but the real thing I think they're afraid of is actually the feeling of failure. No one likes that, but its unavoidable, or else how do people actually learn? My idea of the feeling of failure is a kind of sinking feeling that makes you very uncomfortable, maybe like the feeling of getting caught/failing in exams/shi lian? Yet another one of life's mysteries.

For me myself, I have the balls to fail in almost everything but my parent's expectations of myself. That's why I always study and play hard like there's no tomorrow. No wonder I always failed in other non related areas. I know that I'm not a good judge of character, but i can be counted on to help my friends when in trouble. I'm the kind of person to be fiercely loyal to my friends. It cuts both ways though. At least I don't have to worry about food and stuff. Right.

One thing I can be sure of is that I will be better off than what I'm now a few years down the road. That said, I really admire those people who have a clear goal of what they want to do the year after, or even ten years down the road. I, for now only just decided that I'm going to get into a University after National Service. The rest is still very vague. Guess I'm a "Cross that bridge when we get to it" kind of person.

P.S. This was written like 2 weeks ago, when I was feeling down and particularly inspirational. lol. anyways if you get to this point, thanks for reading my super long and boring post. Guess I'll do a part 2 if I feel like it, or feel down. At least I don't have readership problems to worry about, as the saying goes, "the fewer the people to have seen or heard of it, the better" =)

P.S.S Oh ya. I wasn't intending to post about it, but since I typed it into my phone, and I getting traded-in tomorrow, might as well la. haha