my place?

man. after reading through blogs i found out (admit) that how i post is not very good. you (I) would just wanna say that who cares, its your (my) blog wad. you just write whatever you wanna write, write how u wanna, and just post. After all, its your choice!

lol. i'm feeling that i also have my bad days, where i become more, erm. sensitive/philosophical/intellectual?

anyways, reading through someone's blog made me feel like saying. so what place do i occupy in this world? do i have a mission or aspiration or goal to guide me? perhaps not.

up till now, 18 and more than a half years old, i just studied like i was expected to, play like i wanted to, got into trouble when i felt like it, left some secrets here and there. but now, comparatively speaking, i felt like i am choosing courses for poly again.

why? its like, what do i wanna do in my life? or to put it simply, what place do i have in the world? its like, i'm a free-thinker, mind you, god made each one of us for a purpose right? so what role am i supposed to fulfill? i cannot just keep playing or studying forever. I know sooner or later i may have to work, feed my own family, and do all those things that adults do, or get to do.

yes, to tell you the truth, i guess i'm just a child. lol. i can be what you say, immature, childish, geeky, nerdy and so on.

sidetracking..

well, its like i read somewhere, people put on different faces on different occasions. like in school i think that i am those kinds that just study or whatever. but at home i will be like arguing with my brothers over the smallest things, ask kenneth for example. of course, i'll feel ashamed, but that doesn't mean that i will admit to it.

back on track..

so now the thing is, or what i've just thought up is, i want to know what i'm here for. i just cannot imagine a future where i "grow up" or finally become an adult, which means that i get to be independent. I've always liked to be led. i don't feel like leading but that doesn't mean i cannot lead. why? because i feel the most comfortable to have a plan decided for myself rather than think up of a plan for projects. its not that i cannot do it, but i just don't want to.

guess i'm just stubborn and has low confidence to boot. hahaha.

another topic..

they say angels do exists. to believers or non-believers. ok. that's from russell lee's true singapore ghost stories book 19. haha. anyways, my point is since i cannot see or feel them, i don't really believe it. like everything else really. i think i'm just another "lost sheep". maybe. its like. i don't sense anything. how to believe? but in all cases concerning the supernatural and the mythical, looking for signs doesn't help. either you receive or don't receive it.

lol. loooking at it another way. i guess i just believe in what i want to, like i believe in ghosts, but not in vampires and werewolves, i believe that god is looking over us but i don't really believe in religion. guess i just swing that way.

i've said so many things, but i guess i just want to see that the things i believe in is real. like i want to receive signs. which i think my nature by itself is sinful? i fear being "turned over to the dark side", or was all along in it.

i did/do bad things. i committed sins. i guess people would think that i'm just a freak when they know what i was up to. or not. i get addicted on things. to things. i've never confessed. i dont want to say what i did. i don't want to say it to another person. secrets, especially personal secrets, should be kept secret until i grow out of it. eventually, i hope.

i feel unworthy of loving people. i suppose i can love myself, but then when it comes to loving other. i have no idea. can being attracted to one be called love? definition of love? infatuation? crush? what the hell is all that? how do you know you are in love? are you sure everyone's way of loving or how they felt when they felt love are the same?

now i feel like i am an empty vessel in another sense. too many things i failed to learn, too many things i want to learn, to many things for me to learn, too many things to accept or reject. its not like i don't like my life, i just want to do something worthwhile. kinda like a milestone or something. I've missed that my whole life, i guess.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY ROLE IS.

i don't want to think by myself being led is better since i don't have to think if i dont have to think that means my life is decided for me i wont need to worry about a thing i dont have to worry about a thing then why am i here if i don't think for myself?

sidetracking..

i'm scared. no. uncertain of my knowledge of the devil. honestly, i think the devil has a lot more to believe about. for one, i believe that everyone has a little devil in them. makes them do evil deeds. i'm scared of what i think about sometimes. its like u felt good from things you did and then after doing that you feel like shit. the devil is messing with us

in the end it comes down to i just want something to believe in. seems like you cannot believe yourself all the time nowadays. why can't there be just an "absolute" truth? or does that mean i haven't found it yet?

bolding helps me think. i guess.