A psychiatrist is both a doctor and a patient..

Feeling down now.. so better write this down before my 'down' mood is gone..

Today i saw an interesting thing.. When people are expression-less, their mouth becomes a 'n'.. Are people naturally sad? I mean, when people are in a good mood, they laugh or smile more often only.. When did you see people in a good mood have a mouth shaped like a 'u'?

Sorry but today is not like yesterday.. Its not going to end with a good note today.. Today is a bad day for me.. Maybe this is my fault.. Well, i messed everything up.. Everything! How am i going to know her better if i keep shutting my mouth up?

Honestly, i always want to blow my top and just NOT give everything a dam.. But i just cant seem to do that in her presence..

For days now my only choice of getting this off my chest is by talking to my brothers.. -.- i know.. They always make me feel better but deep down, im still frustrated as i never take measures to solve this problems..

Maybe its because i think too much.. but things doesnt get better just by thinking about it.. You have to take action to resolve the whole thing.. Sometimes i just.. Like now.. I dunno, but if i was to die, im sure to die of wrath.. At myself.. I feel so helpless.. As this issue is a one-man war.. No one can help me THAT much..

Honestly, i dont require any attention of sorts from her.. Up to yesterday, i keep thinking that if only i can get closer to her, i can maybe know her better.. But i guess this is not the case.. The biggest problem lies with me and my attitude.. Yes of course i want wads best for her.. But which guy doesnt want to be the one for his special one?

I cant get this straight also.. How come people, including me, still want to persist in trying to get her to notice you.. Its pretty darn well impossible and yet i continue to persist.. I'm starting to hate this.. Persistence..

Being in this lowest state is considered quite new to me.. Because it was since i came to poly that i felt like this.. Sometimes i wish that i'd went to Np or JC.. That way i wouldn't be like who i'm now.. Acceptance of self is one thing, helplessness is another.. I feel like I'm the one refusing to help myself..

I feel hopeless now..

Perhaps i should go to the dark.. But i know that all is lost for me if i feel that way.. Maybe i'll fight till the light around me is extinguished..

HELP ME..? how?